STORIE x(
Monday, June 26, 2006
mood was totally gone after recess. the heart felt very very very heavy, like a chain tugging it. i know i said, i din care, but deep down, i can't deny it has affected me. i keep telling myself, why bother with this kind of people. but.. still, i can't. though i still don't know who the fucking hell they are, still they manage to affect me so much, till the tears dropped during lesson. what did i do to you. why am i going through this. i thought it was over. back then, in sec1, i too experienced it. but it was only with the close friends. like zyla, jolene, malia and syah. they told me about it and i tried changing. well, if i still do walk like that, there's nth i can do right. letting me off on account of my brother? that's very very nice. =X isn't it my body afterall? does it bother you so much? even if i dao, it has nth to do with any of you. as long as i don't harm you, why the fucking hell should you bother abt me? yeah, how great i can write all this, acting like i don't care but deep down, i do. i just broke down in the sch toilet during maths. joyce said, it doesn't matter what they think, cause i got my frens all ard me, who love me for who i am. no matter how i walk, or how i behave, or how i embarass them, they'll still love me all the same. sigh. =( its a depressing thought. it is. and i thought when sch reopen, it'll be fine. but noooo. i totally changed during phy. i think i finally realise what dong felt when we told him everything. you just cant see the fault in you. but you can see every single wrong fault of others even how minor they are. my way of walking, won't kill anyone right. so? what's the big deal? imagine if my brother wasn't in the school. my fate will be sealed. =/
i still don't feel reassured about jo & eunice. slowly, painfully, i know i'm losing them. sigh. and i feel i'm losing gerald, zhenxu too. i don't know why. its been
months since i last talked to zhenxu. and when i say talk, i mean really talk. not just a simple hello, how are you & bye. i guess, the old ones have to make way for the new ones. and i think matthew is not okay. he seemed very very down just now. =X what a bad day for both of us.
i don't know if i can trust iggie anymore. the stories i've heard about him, from realiable people, and the guy he potrays himself to be infront of me is very very different. am i being just over sensitive?
i didn't know i'll potray myself as an object of much hatred by lots. ='(
;2:52 AM
